If I Ruled the Internet

There was a man who worked for CERN, his name: Tim Berners-Lee,
  Without him you would not believe how different things would be.
There wouldn't be an internet, no mass communication,
  No such thing as smartphones and no Tinder titillation.
  No Wikileaks, no TED.com; the list is never ending.
You couldn't Google Bing.com, you wouldn't know what's trending.
  A million total strangers couldn't follow me or you,
And there are tons of actual useful sites things couldn't do.

As with so many things, there’s a side that's sordid, strange;
  If it were up to me there are a few things I would change.
I'm sick of the opinions of ill-educated fools,
  So If I Ruled the Internet, these would be my rules:
  First, a spelling test before I'd let you through the door:
Not a single word unless you know your "your" from "you're".
  If you don't know the difference between were and we're and where,
You're simply not allowed to have your simple say, so there!

If you must use Twitter, please refrain from being trite,
  You might think you're hilarious. You're not, you're talking shite.
I’ve had it up to here with your boring bloody blogs.
  No-one cares about your cat and no-one digs your dog.
  Use a bit of netiquette; some manners, if you please,
That means mind your P's and Q's (and watch your effing Cs)!
  We all know swearing's lots of fun - but only when we need it,
So watch your fucking language if you think a kid might read it.

Use the "Thumbs Up" if and only if it's really good -
  Just because you can, you know, that doesn't mean you should.
Unless you want your boss to know your business, don't click share.
  And if it starts "apparently", you may as well stop there.
  LinkedIn is acceptable but Digg.com is not,
Anyone who merely mentions MySpace will be shot.
  Facebook's unavoidable (but) FarmVille's not allowed,
Invite the world to Candy Crush; that's it, you're disavowed.

If you join a forum..., please read the F.A.Q.,
  And before you share a single thing, try checking if it's true.
That means don't click [Forward] every time you get the urge,
  Type it into Google first and do a fucking search.
  If you share an "If you love your sister, share this" meme,
Or a bullshit "get fit without exercising" scheme,
  You've proven to the world that you're more stupid than you look,
And nothing that you say can get you off the "stupid" hook.

If you seek attention, use a modicum of wit,
  Do I really have to mention, wear a shirt (unless your fit)?
No cliff-hanger statuses, that's quite enough of that,
  (Did I say already no-one cares about your stupid cat?)
  If you can't remember when you last went on a date,
And if you use your mobile phone to find yourself a mate,
  Don't waste your time, swipe right if you can't see the fucker's face,
'Cause there's a lot of lying lowlife little lechers in that place.

Which brings me onto selfies, how can people be so vain?
  And posting public pictures of your privates, that's insane!
I never liked the fact that phones have cameras facing front;
  So shove your fucking photos of your fanny up your cunt.
  And photographs of fucking food! For Christ's sake, what's that deal?
Do you really think we care about your each and every meal?
  From now on, no more Instagram, I’ve had enough of it.
What you had for breakfast? Please, I couldn't give a shit!

Don't reveal your bank account or mother's maiden name,
  (If you do you've only got your stupid self to blame) -
They’re not: princes from Nigeria; or actual Spanish bankers;
  You haven’t won the lottery - they’re lying fucking wankers.
  If you search for kiddy porn your name goes in a file,
You'll be hunted down and tortured; no exceptions, no fair trial.
  I'll peel your skin like onions; break your bones as if they're twigs;
And when you think it can't get worse, I'll feed you to the pigs.

Donate to Wikipedia, but don't believe Fox News:
  They're far too scared of Muslims and they're way too soft on Jews.
Don't respond to YouTube posts, and if you do be gentle;
  'Cause all the other cunts who post are downright fucking mental.
  The World Wide Web is wondrous so embrace it, don't abuse it,
And spare a thought for Berners-Lee and others when you use it:
  ‘Cause thanks to Tim, we have this web and all that it entails:
Elon Musk; Mark Zuckerberg; The Oatmeal; Jimmy Wales.

In the interest of improvement and to serve the greater good,
  I’d simply like to make some little changes (if I could).
And anyone who breaks these rules without good reason why,
  Must be prepared to exculpate or be prepared to die.
  But badly as I'd like to write the rules, I never will,
For sadly there are far too many bloody fools to kill.
  So share your stupid selfies, and retweet your mindless chats,
But trust me on this: no-one gives a shit about your cats.


You all know who you are... Keep it up or I wouldn't have been able to write this :-)
A Special thanks to Julian Sunley for reminding me about those inane "If you love your sister, share this" memes.  That verse is for you.

14 February 2015