Channel 4

Day 4 of the Olympics. Team GB’s swimmers added more golds and silvers in the pool a smattering of other medals in Taekwondo and Dressage (whatever that is), but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about today.

Because today,

[Ben Elton “it’s time to talk politics”]

I know, right?!

But don’t worry, I’m not gonna bang on about Brexit, Trump, or Covid, or anything like that.

Instead, I Am [1] gonna talk about The Virtues [2] of

[Channel 4]

[Viewer’s Side] “Really? What’s so special about…

[Channel 4]?

[Viewer’s Side] “And what’s this got to do with…

[Ben Elton “politics”]?”

Glad you asked. Well, as part of this government’s Trigger Happy [3] approach to public service broadcasting, they’re planning to sell off Channel 4.

So what? And why should I care?

Well if you care … about “editorially independent (free-to-view) television […] that promotes quality, diversity, innovation, respectful debate and trust,” then you Absolutely [4] should care.

And those aren’t my words they’re Sir David Attenbourgh’s. And he knows a thing or two about endangered species.

And the clock is ticking. Pretty soon, Channel 4 as we know it, could be Extinct [5].

The Countdown [6] has already begun and things are about to change for Channel 4.

News [7] to some of you might be that it’s a public company. That means it’s actually owned by you and me.

Not the government.

[Overlay: Dowden’s Times article]

But last month, Culture Secretary and Vulture mercenary, Oliver Dowden, wrote an article in The Times outlining his plans for privatisation.

[Overlay Dowden Tweet]

This is the same Oliver Dowden that provided precisely zero support for the Arts during the pandemic, then tweeted lies to the G7 about giving government support to an open air theatre in Cornwall, and then deleted the tweet.

You won’t even be able to read his article though—unless you’ve bought a subscription to The Times—because it’s behind a paywall.

Not very public service of him, is it?

Policy plans you you can’t read about unless you pay Rupert Murdoch first.

It’s Shameless [8]

Makes a change from Rupert Murdoch paying politicians to make policy, I suppose, but that’s not the point.

You don’t have to pay for Channel 4.

And that is the point.

[Rob Delaney’s tweet]

Channel 4 is a public service broadcaster and, as it exists now,
• it’s legally required to commission shows—and films—made by British production companies who (a) take risks and (b) invest in local, including emerging talent,
• and it must reinvest its profits back into local programming, not pay its shareholders, because,

Well, because its shareholders are you and me, and our payment is getting to watch it free.

Now I know selling off Channel 4 wouldn’t be The End of the F***ing World [9].

Sorry, No Offence [10], I hope…

but The Word [11] is, it almost certainly would remove its obligation to make niche shows and reinvest its profits, and that would place the channel in Uncharted [12] territory, and programming would inevitably suffer.

Would you watch a documentary on FGM or a transsexual reality show? Probably not. But Channel 4 made them anyway, and that’s important because some people, albeit only a few, will watch.

Network television just doesn’t make shows like this because, well, because Money Talks [13]. They’re not interested in building niche audiences because if they’re not Building Giants [14], then they’re not making money.

This government is a shit show of self-promoting toffs intent on lining their own, their privileged pals’, and their party donors’s pockets. And selling Channel 4 could well lead to it becoming another one of the many now Russian Affairs [13] that used to be British owned, and that would be a Catastrophe [14].

And, for the record, by “Russian Affairs”, I’m not referring to Johnson’s personal life.

(Or his Johnson).

Now, by my Reckoning [15], Oliver Dowden is a relatively New Statesman [16] but that doesn’t stop him having Grand Designs [17] on changing the face british broadcasting.

[Oliver Dowden Times Overlay]

But on the one hand, he says “we need trusted and respected media providers more than ever,” whilst on the other, you won’t see him or his colleagues on Channel 4 News, as they’re afraid of being asked challenging questions.

Instead he’s pledged his support for the pitiful pitbulls at GB News.

[Shake head] It’s a Sin [18], I tell you.

And once sold off, we’ll never get Channel 4 Back [19].

So anyway, that’s it. This could be The Last Leg [20] for Channel 4, but it’s not dead yet. This is England [21] and you can do something about it.

So, shout about it, tweet about it, tell your Big Brother [22] about it, better still, email your MP or the vulture … sorry Culture secretary.

Because, like Sir David Attenbourgh, Channel 4 is a National Treasure [23]. A place … no a Home [24] for Youngers [24] and Inbetweeners [25] alike, for Misfits [26] and Drifters [27]. For Teachers [28], Uncles [29], and, even Estate Agents [30] and we need to cherish and protect it.

I’ll put links down there, so click click click, and Feel Good [31] about yourself for speaking up, because if we don’t act now it’d be an opportunity Wasted [32].

One final word about about the Olympics, well the Paralympics [33] actually, that start next month.

Don’t forget you can watch it live and exclusive,

In fact, you can watch all 33 of these shows I’ve mentioned, as well as countless others I haven’t, on

Yep, you’ve guessed it.

[Channel 4]